Trigger warning – this post talks about baby loss.
With so many advice posts, pregnancy columns and antenatal classes out there you’d assume that all the ‘need to know’ points for pregnant women are covered. The thing is though, they often stick to the fluffy bits, or the stuff that ‘sells’, with a light touch approach to the reality. Here’s my attempt at some genuinely useful advice.
About Losing a Baby
This might be surprising. I mean, who wants to know what it’s like to lose a baby? Who wants to know about the difference between a missed miscarriage and a spontaneous birth? Well, the one in three women who experience a miscarriage would probably appreciate a heads up. In reality, there’s very few women who don’t know someone who’s experienced baby loss so they might want to support their friends or family members. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk about the worst case scenario, the what if. I’m not suggesting we create fear and panic. Let’s be realistic and give some statistics. Like most women don’t experience baby loss and once you’re past the 12 week mark the risk reduces to around 2%. But let’s give some information so women aren’t left scrambling in the dark if the worst case scenario does hit.
Post-Birth Toilet Etiquette
Let’s get straight to the point with this one – how the hell do you take a shit after giving birth? I still have no idea. Post-birth is usually accompanied with a serious bout of constipation. Paired with that, every time you so much as start to strain it feels like your stitches are popping one by one and/ or your innards might fall out. I can STILL remember vividly trying to take a shit after my first son was born. Considering I can’t remember his first smile, that must have been pretty memorable. For what it’s worth, drinking tonnes of water and eating as much fibre as you can manage does help. If all else fails those sachets of fibre like gel drink seem to get things moving along.
Breastfeeding
First off, breastfeeding can bloody hurt. I’m not telling you this to put you off. Quite the opposite. I’m all for breastfeeding (where the mother WANTS to do it). But the pain can be immense and intense. Yes it gets easier, but not in three days. With my first, things started to calm down around eight weeks, but it took three months before the wincing at every latch was gone. The old line of if it hurts you’re doing it wrong, has to go! Babies can take time to learn to latch, and from my personal experience big boobs and small mouths make it difficult. But those things have a way of righting themselves in time. Yes women of the world – breastfeeding can, and more often than not, does hurt for the first little while (days, weeks or even (occasionally) months). Don’t let that put you off because you think it will be like this forever. Take it a day at a time. Access local support and advice. If you don’t want to do it, grab that bottle and be done with it – your baby will be fine. BUT, if you do want to continue, know that this won’t be this painful forever and most importantly, you’re not doing anything wrong. Many women go from weeks of excruciating pain, to years of (predominately) happy breastfeeding. Me included.
The Inevitable Relationship Challenges (for couples)
All those loved up couples in their antenatal classes might not want to know that there’s a good chance their relationship will struggle upon the birth of their long awaited little one, yet, chances are it will. Now, I’m not suggesting that we all end up single (only a special few get to experience that) but I am suggesting a little dose of realism. Nearly every couple I know has faced relationship challenges following the birth of their child, some more than others. Statistically, the first year of a baby’s life is a common time to separate. Some openness about these challenges and suggestions of how to deal with them can’t be a bad thing. Whatsmore, let’s name that elephant in the room – single parenting. Sometimes new parents do become single even if they didn’t start off that way. In my NCT class, three out of nine of us became single parents within the first year of our children’s lives. It took me another year to raise my head above water and find single parent support groups. How different the first year of my son’s life could have been had we been pre-armed with some useful knowledge about solo parenting. If you started off solo then you can smile a little smile knowing you won’t have to deal with the relationship issues for now.
The Baby Sleep Myth: Sleep. Sleep. Slleeeepppp. SLLEEEPPP. SLEEP
If you’ve been on the sidelines of the online parenting community for a while, you’ll probably already know that us parents are kinda obsessed with sleep. You see, sleep deprivation is a torture method for a reason. Now, I don’t want to scare you but I do think a dose of realism might help prepare you. When the NCT class told me that you should sleep when baby is sleeping I thought, yeah – I can do that. Only they failed to tell me a few key factors, like 1) newborns rarely sleep for longer than 40 minute stints 2) they only sleep when held, or on your chest, or any other way that health professionals highly discourage. I’m pretty much sworn off parenting theories so I’m not actually going to give you any real *advice* like sleep training methods or co-sleeping techniques (there are other places you can find that). What I am going to tell you is: it’s normal. I was confused, annoyed and, quite frankly, dismayed that my new born woke just as much – hell, MORE – at nighttime than in the day. It took me some time to realise that newborns are, to put it bluntly, kind of dumb. They don’t get the whole day-night divide. They don’t realise letting their parents get a good nights sleep will mean more fun for them in the day time. No, they just want milk round the clock. There’s a darkness to the desperation you can reach in those midnight hours which – especially if your partner is non existent or a ‘heavy’ sleeper – is lonelier than the Sahara desert. If you’re expecting a baby soon I’m not wanting to scare you, just to let you know that you are not alone. It will get easier. You will survive.
The Pressure to Enjoy the First Few Weeks
People will tell you to soak in that newborn smell (you know technically that’s just the smell of my insides right??), to enjoy those precious few weeks. If you can, that’s great. If you can’t: if those first few weeks feel like a shit show then don’t feel bad. The join pains, the night sweats, the body fluids and for some, the birth trauma, can make those first few weeks bloody difficult. Don’t beat yourself up. Enjoy the good bit and cry about the bad. You won’t always feel like this, I promise, and if this does continue seek help.
Everything Is Normal
Can we just spend like an hour in every antenatal class on the idea that YOUR baby is (most likely) TOTALLY ‘normal’ – whatever the hell that means. And – most importantly – YOU are doing an amazing job. Babies cry, that’s their job. You often won’t have a clue why, there may be a cause which you can cling to (colic, wind, teething, just because they can), but nine times out of ten there’s nothing we can do, or shouldn’t be doing, that will affect it (assuming we aren’t actually neglecting the baby that is). It seems that the wealth of information out there of what could be wrong with your little one can create fear where there needn’t be any. Sometimes the phrase, “you know baby best”, can be daunting, the problem is exactly that – you don’t know what your baby wants. So let’s rephrase that a little. You know YOU best. If the advice columns help you, then read them. If they don’t, throw them in the bin. EVERYTHING is normal. Do what YOU need to do to get through the early days and baby will be fine.
Fourth Trimester
There’s plenty of information on the fourth trimester. That time when little one, whilst now outside the womb is acting pretty much the same as when s/he was in it. Expect baby to basically sleep and want cuddles 24/7 – we get it, right? What no one mentions is the fourth trimester for mum. The time when we need to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves like the precious person that we are. Our body has just been through one of the most amazing, and often traumatic things, it will ever experience. Our hormones are all over the place. We are likely surviving on less sleep than a dolphin. Thrown into the mix we need to learn how to care for the little human we’ve been handed. Mums – remember to take care of yourself. It’s a flippant comment to say – sleep when the baby is, but seriously just do it (even if it is only for twenty minutes at a time). The baby will be going through immense change and development in those first few months out in the wild, but so are you. You deserve to be given love and support to help you transition into motherhood (even if it’s not your first), just as you give love and support to your own baby to deal with their new life on the outside. Once you’ve regained your strength you can revel in this gift that is motherhood.
Your life will become ALL about food and sleep
I’ve heard myself, and many friends, state how if we weren’t so exhausted or worried about baby’s food intake, parenting would be easy. And really, that’s the crux of it. For the first year or four, those two topics will make up 97% of your waking thoughts – the remaining 3% will be about poop. There is no simple answer to either of these challenges. Eventually it will get easier, and until then try to remember unless there is a genuine medical concern, the fact you are even reading this means your kids nutrition is likely to be in the top three percent globally. Sleep – now that’s another matter entirely.
What do you wish you’d known before you became a mum?
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