Most bloggers write reviews in exchange for free products and experiences, some even get paid for their words. As my blog is unknown niche, I’ve never quite managed such a feat which, whilst slightly disappointing for me, means I get to continue to use this blog as my own personal therapy session and tell the truth about glamping with kids. Note: If you think a therapy session after a glamping trip sounds extreme then you probably shouldn’t try glamping.
1. Glamping is actually camping.
2. Camping in late October is actually freezing.
3. All that fresh air means nothing when you put plastic things on top of the wood burner and end up inhaling plasticy fumes all night long. (In my defence the candle holders looked metal – even the four year old thought so)
4. Taking a not really feeding, screamy, projectile vomiting 4 month old baby camping (yes, glamping is in fact camping) is not a good idea. Although drying the baby sleep suit and clothes in front of the wood burner may sound romantic, it in fact, is not.
5. Thinking that getting away from it all will give you a break is a ridiculous thought process when in fact you are “getting away” with two of your biggest challenges.
6. Being eternally optimistic will not make a glamping holiday in late October anything more than a camping trip in late October. The only difference being that because the tent is full of candles and a wood burner you will actually spend MORE time screaming at the four year old than you do in the comfort of your own home.
7. When the campsite claims to have pubs in easy walking distance check whether that is easy walking for young, active hikers, or easy walking distance for tired old mums with buggy, baby and young boy in tow. Also, check the time they serve food. In all likelihood you will never actually step foot in these establishments beyond a short visit to use their loos and beg them to make some food…. any food. They will not oblige.
8. Cooking scrambled eggs on top of a wood burner is not advised.
9. When an old railway path claims to be a lovely cycle ride for children note that they probably do not mean a whingy four year old with a heavy bike you found abandoned by the bins. Yes the Peak District is beautiful at this time of year. No, it’s beauty does not drown out the complaints of the four year old and screams of the baby. Whilst everyone you pass appears to be enjoying their jaunt, you will be subjected to pitying smiles and “got your hands full there, love” comments as you push a buggy with one hand, push your son on his bike with the other hand, and carry the world’s heaviest baby in a sling which he is bursting out of with the other hand – oh wait, you don’t have three hands.
10. Glamping will remind you that parenting is all about the parent, not the child. I chose to take the three of us away so we could have quality family time without the stresses and strains of home and some things I’m dealing with at the moment (redundancy and grief being the two current biggies). This didn’t work in any shape or form. We are all still getting used to changing from a family of two to a family of three and it’s taking a lot of adjustment. Whilst glamping didn’t give us a reprieve from that, it did – somewhat ironically – push me even closer to the edge, forcing me to take stock of what is happening. What is happening is that the baby screams most of the time, the four year old gets fed up and demands more attention and mummy – stuck in the middle – shouts (or occasionally cries). As a solo mum I feel like I spend my entire time trying to meet one child’s needs as quickly as possible so I can get over to the other one who has an entirely different need which is being totally ignored. It’s a perpetual cycle of never quite meeting either child’s needs and certainly not within a timeframe acceptable to either. This results in both children’s needs becoming greater and more demanding (baby’s screams get louder and more inconsolable; four year becomes more and more hyper and ‘naughty’ the longer he’s ignored). Meanwhile without even a few minutes to myself to just breathe, I become even shoutier. The result is parenting carnage.
11. Despite the parenting insights you will become privy to, on your return to humanity everything will remain the same. The first time the four year old runs into the room and wakes the baby, just moments after you’ve spent 15 minutes rocking his screaming self to sleep, you will NOT respond in the way you hoped. BUT, you will give the four year old a cuddle afterwards as you remember he too is adjusting to this new hell situation.
12. You will NEVER book a glamping holiday again.
13. You will be secretly glad you did it and will try to block out the 23.5 hours of screaming per day, and only remember the three memories worth anything. The time the four year old cycled through the old train tunnel to great excitement. The few minutes when the baby cooed cutely at you in the bed surrounded by blankets and fluffiness looking like something from a glamping advert (don’t believe them, it’s all lies!) and the seven and a quarter minutes (I counted them) you convinced the four year old to sit still and cook marshmallows in the wood burner.
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*If you liked reading this you might also enjoy reading my posts on camping with a toddler, tales of a travelling toddler and the truth about travelling solo with a toddler.