Lockdown has officially been going on for six weeks in the UK although some families (like ours) have been isolating longer (we’re at eight weeks now). It makes the summer holidays when you can use holiday clubs, go on day trips and travel to far flung places seem like a distant (and rather amazing) dream.
Everyone is having ups and downs on this lockdown journey. As a single mum, I’ve found the longer it continues the more I adjust and the better I can appreciate some of the good bits. Admittedly a big part of this ‘improvement’ was because it started as utter hell with us all ill (suspected Covid-19) and me trying to manage solo parenting of two whilst working from home plus dealing with some other personal stresses to boot. It’s not that the lockdown has become easier exactly but just that our circumstances have changed so I can see there are some good bits in amongst the many challenges. This is no measured post though, this is ALL about the good bits. If you aren’t feeling these that’s OK and it’s definetly normal. These don’t describe how I feel all day, everyday by any means. But in amongst the struggles all these bits are also true, and I hope some of them are for you too. If not, you might appreciate the next post I’m working on – The Worst Bits of Lockdown.
Turning Inwards
After years of wanting to stop caring so much about others – about how they do or don’t involve me, about what they think of me, about trying to fit in and all the other anxieties that have somehow become my life over the last six years, I don’t need to bother anymore. In fact I can’t if I expect to survive the stresses and strains of lockdown. These concerns also become irrelevant when noone can see each other.
In our home, it’s just my children and me together 24/7 for better or worse. At the start it felt like it was make or break and the breaking side was having a winning streak. Now I can’t prioritise others over my family, instead I must prioritise my family over others. It’s allowed me to work on my parenting under the most extreme measures imaginable and slowly we are coming out on top. Not top of the top you understand, but no longer drowning. As I turn inwards more, the two little faces that look up at me are really rather perfect so perhaps I’ll stay this way for awhile.
Our Social Life is Coming Home
Zoom socials, online drinks and you tube yoga lessons are all the rage in lockdown. I’ve not got into this much (time and mindset the main barriers) but many single parents have talked about how it’s made things easier for them than ‘normal’ life when nights out are a rare (and expensive) treat.
No Commute or Rushing About
My usual working day involves leaving the home at 7.30am with a six year old and a baby-toddler ideally all fully dressed and ready to face the day. I drop one at nursery, the other at school and then head on to work. A crammed day of meetings, developing strategies and the like which ends around 5pm is followed by a fast cycle home to collect the youngest, then getting the eldest from school before arriving home just after 6pm. I cook a (ideally) quick dinner and get us all to bed before setting the alarm to repeat it all the next day. Many single parents start earlier and finish later and few have much help. A break from this routine is not to be sniffed at. Like many on my non working days, after school hours seem to be crammed full with activities rather than long endless time of nothing which is kind of nice when you get used to it.
No Work Stresses
I’m in the lucky six million plus Britons who’ve accessed the UK government’s furlough scheme in the past few weeks. This means I’m no longer working. And that means, no deadlines and no work dramas. Need I say more?
Teaching My Kids Life Lessons
Having more time with my eldest has meant more quiet, stress-free time than we usually have. In those moments we’ve been able to talk about important things like life values and morals. The other day as he was making a birthday card for his best friend we talked about the importance of making the card nice so they would feel loved when they received it. I can’t model a good relationship for him with a partner at home, but I can hope these little nuggets filter down and one day he gets a partner/ best friend who appreciates him taking time to show his love.
My youngest has come on leaps and bounds in this time we’ve had together. This might just be his age (he’s almost two years), but I like to think it’s due to this intense time we’ve had togther too. There’s no extravagant sensory games going on here, but he’s passed me the hammer as I do the DIY, learnt how to use the hoover and – would you believe it – he’s even mastered some new words, including hoover and hammer! Not bad for a little boy whose language was considered ‘behind’ just a couple of months ago.
Learning About My Children
With the slower pace of life my eldest and I have spent more time talking, not much admittedly, but there’s been some nice snippets at naptime when things are a little calmer. He’s taught me about dinosaurs and, well, other dinosaurs. I’ve been able to see better what he does and doesn’t struggle with regarding school work and whilst I’m still not sure what support he’d most benefit from I’m glad I’ve been given this exposure to try and understand him better.
For both of my children this time has given me a greater insight into who they are and what makes them tick; they are having hours and hours on end to just be them. It appears my youngest like cuddles, books and DIY (taking after mummy). And my eldest likes jumping around madly in his PJs, anything dinosaur related and TV (again taking after mummy, bar the dinosaur bit). Seeing them as they are without distractions and outside influences is a special insight I’m glad I’ve had the chance to experience.
Sorting The House
Being forced to stay in my house for weeks (months!) on end has made me sort it out a bit. I’ve put up shelves and rearranged the lounge, it sounds silly but it’s made a huge difference, it feels cosy downstairs now and there’s a little space for the littlest ones toys which has made it easier to access them and for us to play together. Upstairs I’ve made my little space clutter free and it’s a place I can escape to, or it would be if I could escape, but even just opening the door a crack and peeking in to a clutter free desk ready for writing when the chance returns makes me smile. I’ve even accumulated various plants and managed to get them to grow rather than killing them as I usually do; the two that had been teetering on the edge since Christmas have made an impressive come back and ones even started to flower. It might have taken me nearly three years but it’s starting to feel a lot more like home.
Watching My Boys Bond Grow
This time has been the most my boys have ever spent together by far. They are learning how to argue, how to play together and hopefully – ultimately – how to put up with each other better. The fighting and screaming has intensified of course, but I think an element of that is needed to help the acceptance grow and I’m loving being able to see this happen. The moments when they kiss and cuddle are literally the best ever, lockdown or no lockdown. It makes me even more grateful I went through everything I did to have my second son alone and makes me want to do it again and again.
The Cuddles
My youngest is such a cuddly, squishy being it’s impossible to exaggerate. I’m pretty sure he’d be content snuggled on my lap all day. Every time I walk downstairs he throws himself on my back and squeezes his chubby hands around my neck so tight I can barely breathe. I always catch a glimpse of us in the mirror at the bottom of the stairs and it never fails to make me smile. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to have someone so completely trusting and intensley in love with me. I get to rock him to sleep for naptime seven days a week now, and since I’ve not had to rush off to work during his sleep, it’s been a loving and calm moment where I can regain strength (and often cry) in the middle of everday. Whilst there’s not quite so many cuddles with the six year old, there’s still more than we usually get time for and we always make time for a family cuddle at some point in the day. Bedtimes are less rushed and stressed, after all it doesn’t matter what time we wake in the morning, my kids are my alarm clock now. And when we do wake, although the eldest runs of to switch on the Telly, the youngest enjoys more snuggles and jumping all over me, it’s bliss not to have to rush off.
More Contact With The Grandparents
Since lockdown my eldest has had regular video calls with my parents, something we would never have done before – he’d not even spoken with them on the phone beyond a hi and bye previously. They play games and build their bond even though they can’t be physcially close. Hopefully it’s something that will continue even once we are allowed to see each other again.
The Emphasis on Fun
OK, so lockdown isn’t fun per se, but being pushed to the edge by lockdown stresses and watching my son so unhappy for the first few weeks/ month or so, pushed me to find a way to just have fun with him. There wasn’t a quick solution. The activities and ideas I was doing to begin with didn’t work – things which he ordinarily loved. We were constantly arguing and it felt like there was no way this wasn’t going to be imprinted on all our brains as one of the worst times in our lives. But gradually his interest in some of his toys, games and books returned. Now we are doing more activities and having more fun times, and yes that means no homeschooling but there’s a global pandemic happening and my son may miss out on some spellings and multiplication tables but he’ll remember a time when he had fun. A time when he played around freely, throwing all the cushions off the sofa and watching hours of telly. He’ll remember making what he wanted with mummy and not following some prearranged curriculum or activity suggested on Facebook. Our kids are expected to fit in square boxes and my son is hexagonal at best. Having this time to relax and enjoy his home cannot be bad thing and who knows it may just set him up to tackle the strains of shool life better once he returns.
Getting to Eat ALL The Crap
Let’s be honest Derek from accounts would have been flashing me his judgemental look had he seen me polish off three of the kids Easter eggs before lunch, but here, alone, I can eat as much chocolate as my heart desires – and it desires a lot.
Knowing I Can – and HAVE – Survived the Fucking Apocolypse
This time has been weird. It has been hard. And it’s been mega, mega shitty. We may never go back to living how we once did. That might be good, it might be bad. Most likely it will be a mix of the two. No matter how much longer this lockdown continues I know I can survive (well, assuming I’m not turfed out of my job), I have reached some really low points in parenting over these months, but I’ve also reached a sense of happiness with my boys which is normally hard to notice and grasp hold of in the everyday chaos of running from home to school to nursery to work and then back again. In the good moments I feel a little sad that our time together like this will soon be ending. Turning round our home from a place of constant shouting and tears, to something that’s a little calmer, a little happier and a little less stressful in the middle of a global pandemic is some fucking achievement even if I do say so myself.
Even if you haven’t enjoyed (m)any of these things listed here, the fact that you have survived this far is impressive. Single mums are superheros in normal times, no matter what your reality right now – key worker, working from home, homeschooling, unschooling – surviving any/ all of these makes you a bloody superhero on skates with a cherry on top.
Now if someone would just let me get a supermarket delivery slot that would be great.
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