I’ve struggled with my mental health for about four years now. Quite possibly I was struggling with it before but just managed it much, much better. Over that time some people have made me feel like I should get over it. That I’m not a strong enough woman if I can’t cope with what life throws at me, that life isn’t perfect and I need to deal with it, that I should move on now and forget the past, focus on the positives. With all due respect – they haven’t got a clue. Here’s my attempt to try and explain it all to you.
—–
My Mind
A hive of buzzing sounds,
Churning,
Whirring,
Rushing round.
Anger, bubbles over
At the one who did this,
who fed the roots.
The ones who didn’t care,
who were not there.
Cloaked in nightmares;
Sleep escapes me.
Seeing the unseen,
Living the dream.
Flashbacks with indiscriminate aim,
Reminders at inauspicious times,
Lest I forget herstory.
Once a week, my sanctuary,
Fifty minutes to pour my heart out,
Two minutes to shove it back in.
Indulgent would you say?
Switch off,
Cycle home,
Back to ‘mum’.
No time to dwell on the past,
No time to fear for the future.
Live in the now,
the now,
the now.
Move on,
move on,
Focus on the positives,
Keep busy,
Avoid the feels.
The fear of bedtime lessening now
Yet still,
yet still.
Certain noises, certain looks.
Years of trauma don’t disappear;
won’t bend or buckle to my will.
The memories are still here,
Building blocks for the next attack
The scrape of a door (guys with guns)
A bad phone line (someone’s gone)
A noise outside (who’s breaking in)
Hiding,
the fear etched all over me.
My mind is running;
destination unknown.
I grab his arm, “shush” I say
What’s safer – to run or stay?
My brain too slow to know life has changed
I dial it quick, just incase:
9.
9.
9.
“Shush,” again, “I need to listen”
My finger hovers over the green call button
Soaking in his bewildered eyes,
“Mummy, it’s just a cat” he laughs
Other women, remarried now
Still.
Here
I
Am
I hid, until
I shrivelled up inside.
From grape to raisin
Then to dust.
Feelings shrunk into the smallest size
My circle now just me alone
And one small boy
“I’ll make it better, mummy, please”
Even if you heard the facts,
You never understood the impacts:
The fear, the pain,
The things I’ve forgot;
How to have fun.
It’s all gone.
Resilience you say?
I’d like to see you living oxygen free.
I’d like to see you living oxygen free.
All those books, all that knowledge,
yet the answer still eludes them.
Gather near,
I’ll make it clear.
Recognition is the key,
Please don’t try
Please don’t try
to silence me.
21st October 2018 at 11:52 pm
powerful! I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, although now recognise that I have lived with anxiety and OCD my entire life, I thought I was on top of it, then in July I started to spiral down. Everyday is still a struggle, but I am seeing some light again. Sending love and thank you for raising awareness xx
22nd October 2018 at 9:40 am
I’m sorry you’ve been having a tough time. I hope things continue to improve. Well done you for keeping going x
20th September 2018 at 8:32 pm
You put words to so many of my thoughts.