It’s less than a week ago that the midwife called to tell me I had gestational diabetes. I was shocked. I hadn’t expected the test to come back positive. I suddenly remembered an article I’d seen about gestational diabetes which had mentioned stillbirth. I mentally decided I wouldn’t google anything incase it was scare mongering. After all you hear about gestational diabetes all the time, surely it couldn’t be that risky. The midwife informed me that actually there were quite a few risks involved and that the consultant was likely to want to induce me before 38 weeks. I got off the phone upset. The next day I attended the diabetes clinic to be issued with my monitor and instructions from the dietician. I was assured that it wasn’t actually due to my love of haribo and in fact pregnancy makes it harder for your body to create insulin, hence the increase in diabetes during pregnancy.
The nurse wasn’t so positive. I tried to take her words with a pinch of salt but I’ll be honest I did start crying when she made it very clear that the biggest risk was stillbirth and the consultant would definitely want the baby out by 38 weeks. I’ve got used to doing things alone (well without another adult present – my four year old was there clambering on my knee as we spoke), but it’s moments like this when the loneliness hits. It’s not just being alone for the actual appointment, many partners can’t make all the antenatal appointments, but I knew I had noone to go home to discuss this with or just hug me. On the plus side my son has exceptional understanding of diabetes for a four year old!
On the Saturday I decided I’d try and get the baby out naturally. Only my mum wasn’t around, my brothers who live nearby and were on backup to watch my eldest when I go into labour were away and my douala was on holiday. I suddenly felt very alone and stupid. What was I doing? What exactly was supposed to happen should I have gone into labour? I take my son and me off to the maternity ward alone? I phone a friend to watch him whilst I head off alone? None of it seemed very appealing so I had a little mini meltdown on my mum and thankfully she agreed to come down. It was clear the birth wasn’t far away and as she was my birthing partner and a good couple of hours away it didn’t make sense for her to not be there.
I spent the next few days trying to will the baby out. I used clary sage, lavender oil, bouncing, walking on the edge of the pavement, hot curry and pineapple core. I stopped short of advertising me and my bump on tinder though (just). On the Sunday evening I actually thought things might be happening, but I’m not sure if it was just wishful thinking or not. Still I carried on with my regime in the hope something would happen.
On the Wednesday I went to hospital to see the consultant. She made it very clear they wanted to induce me asap. I wanted to give myself a few more days. I had gone in knowing I wouldn’t take any silly risks but also wanting to give my body the chance to labour spontaneously if at all possible. I just kept thinking how my first came at 38 weeks naturally so surely this one would too given half the chance. I thought because I had developed the gestational diabetes late and I was managing my sugar levels well with the monitor and diet, that I would be lower risk. However, it turns out they don’t know what it is that causes the risk of stillbirth in gestational diabetes and therefore she couldn’t say that these things would help to lower my risk. I cried on her. Again, feeling so very alone making this monumental decision. Maybe it sounds silly. She was wanting to induce me on Friday, I wanted Sunday (well Monday, but that wasn’t on the cards) and Saturday was already fully booked. What difference did two days make? She was a lovely woman, but when she said if it was her sister she’d be pushing her for earlier, my mind was made up. All I could think was how the only thing that mattered was that the baby arrived healthy. If that meant an earlier induction than I’d like then so be it. I booked myself in for Friday morning.
Then I got to experience the delights of a sweep. The doctor said my cervix was soft and already 2cm dilated. So she gave a “strong” sweep! I was hopeful that things might happen in the next 36 hours.
There were a number of tears as I tried to get out of the hospital. I was running late for an appointment at home to be assessed by family services. I called them and cancelled, barely able to get the words out. Meanwhile my mum messaged to say she’d locked us out of the house. It wasn’t really the kind of news I wanted to be dealing with, but deal with it I did and the locksmith I got hold off had already come and done his job before I made it home (walking, off the curb – naturally!). My back was agony the whole way but I knew it may help with triggering labour so I wasn’t giving up. I also managed to book an acupuncture appointment for the next day with someone who is apparently “really good” at triggering labour! We shall see. I was quite impressed at my level of multitasking, then I remembered I’m a single mum so it’s kind of business as normal. In fact, it was relatively easy because my son had been left with my mum instead of being dragged along to my appointments as usual.
That night I checked my hospital bag and repacked for a slightly longer stay. I had a bath with the clary sage oil and took myself off to bed in the hope that things might start making a move before Friday.
It’s a strange feeling knowing that in two days time I’ll be having this baby. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I’d ever reached the I’m ready stage. Or the feeling like this was real. Today was my last day at work (in between the tears and the appointments I was also sending work emails and tying up loose ends till 7pm). I’d hoped for a week or so where I could relax and focus on the bump. Still, I can’t say there isn’t a part of me that’s just super glad to be getting on with this. It’s not ideal but I’m sure I’ll deal with it. I don’t really have a choice after all. Once this baby is here we can all start to adjust to its presence and life can stop being on semi hold which is how it’s felt for a long, long time.
On the Friday morning, after calmly dropping my son at nursery, I picked up my backpack and yoga mat (looking more like I was off camping than to give birth) and headed to the hospital to meet my douala. It was a surreal and highly emotional moment and I immediately burst into tears when I saw her at the hospital entrance.
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