It’s an irony that’s hard to get around…
If you’re a single mum, chances are you went through a lot to gain your single status; divorce and separation aren’t the only ways to single motherhood, but they are the most common. Once you’ve got out of some shit awful relationship and learned to deal with parenting solo, you think you won’t settle for anything less than perfection (whatever that is). Then mister mediocre comes along. What do you do?
You question whether it’s worth it, you think you should see if they grow on you. You try to convince yourself to believe in you, even when the man you took your vows with didn’t. You remember all the shit you’ve gone through to become single and wonder whether the risks of experiencing that again outweigh the struggles of a life alone. Is it better to just end it before it’s got started? Save risking settling for second-best? Or is it worse to never find love again?
After a two year break, I’ve inadvertently ended up back in the saddle. After two weeks, I’m already exhausted. For the more sorted singles mums, or the solo mums who chose single motherhood as choice A, these realities might not compute. For those who have been burnt by an ex, yet still crave a relationship and find opportunities to meet someone few and far between, you may recognise these realities.
1. The first person who shows an ounce of caring towards your kids makes you tear up a little. For me, it came when my littlest was sick. I’d been on a couple of dates with a guy, he’d been generally thoughtful – asking questions, listening and remembering to follow up later; all normal human behaviour. Then I mentioned the baby was ill and I’d not been getting much sleep. His response was twofold and amazing. First up he said, “I hope you’ve got some help,” and second up, “if there’s anything I can do, let me know”. Until I heard those words, I had no idea how much it would mean and I instantly teared up.
You may think it was just a thing people say without any meaning. Like when I offered to pay for some theatre tickets he’d bought (thank God he politely declined). He was probably pretty confident I wasn’t about to ask him over to babysit for me. But you see, it’s OK if he was just being polite and the last thing he wanted was me calling him up for favours. When my eldest was a baby and I told his dad I’d taken him to the urgent care clinic, I never received a reply. Never. Not out of caring, common decency or politeness. Since then I’ve not had someone care about the everyday, boring, realities in my life. Suddenly experiencing someone with empathy was a total revelation. The fact this man even thought it could be a thing that I might need help was heartwarming. I’m not saying that makes him amazing (it really doesn’t) and I certainly don’t believe in putting the bar low for men, it’s just my ex left it on the floor and I forgot to pick it up when he slammed the door shut.
With every caring question or thoughtful comment, this guy is opening up the possibility that if he exists and seems to (for some reason) be interested in me, there may be others like him too! (Or you know, he could genuinely become a thing, that’s also a possibility). Every time he says something kind he’s showing me there’s another way. Another reality where someone cares about me and my kids. I’d forgotten it was even a possibility.
2. The ‘will he, won’t he’ text game is exhausting. It was bad enough in your twenties, but now so much more hangs on this going somewhere and everyday is like a lifetime. One day you’re super happy he’s messaged. The next there’s no response and you’re left feeling shitty about yourself. When the only other thing you’re focused on day to day is getting the eldest to school and maintaining baby’s nap schedule, a text message from a possible suitor takes on a lot of added meaning. My brain is quick to calculate that if things move fast, there’s still a chance of that fairy tale dream – having a baby with a man who loves me. Even better, this man could join our family when my kids are young enough to bond with him as a (step-)dad. The flip side is that if this isn’t going somewhere, I’d rather know sooner than later so I can get on and see if there’s a chance to meet mister perfect elsewhere instead.
3. You are constantly questioning things. Is he my type? Do I like him? Am I just blown away by the fact he seems to like me? Perhaps it’s a good sign he’s not my ‘usual’ type, after all that’s not worked in the past very well. The questions in your head are relentless and painful. Not least because you know unless you want to do an impression of a crazy woman, you need to hide the turmoil you’re experiencing and act cool and casual (at least until you get past date number three).
4. You can’t just make a plan like back in the day. Meeting for a date takes a lot of planning and can entail a lot of cash which is in short supply. Politely suggesting that you don’t meet an hour away from your home because it’s going to add £20 to the babysitter fee is awkward. Then there’s the times you have to cancel because one of the kids is sick, or the babysitter has got a better offer. It doesn’t exactly lend itself to spontaneity.
5. You avoid talking about your kids, fearing you’ll bore him. But then you end up talking about your friends kids, your nieces and nephews and any other kids that you can, because ultimately kids are your life now. Eventually you reach a point where you have to mention the kids because otherwise you aren’t being you and you realise he needs to take you or leave you as you come (no pun intended).
6. It reinvigorates your relationship with your child(ren). Absence makes the heart grow fonder as they say and this isn’t only for lovers, but also your kids. One night I returned from a lovely date to find that my boys (8 months and five years) had both stayed up for me (how kind!). But actually it was kind of awesome. I was in a great mood and having had an adult cuddle I had much more patience to have some kid cuddles too. It was like the excitement of the date had passed over to them, reminding me of the feeling of a midnight feast at a sleep over. As I climbed into bed with my two wide-awake boys we snuggled up, chatted and giggled before all falling asleep with huge smiles on our faces.
7. The thought of actually ‘doing’ anything sends you into mild panic. Pregnancy and birth can do strange things to our body, and as normal as that is, and as amazing as our bodies are, looking in the mirror at a saggy stomach covered with red, raw stretch marks whilst faced with the reality of leaky boobs and a vagina to match, isn’t exactly the most inspiring for getting down and dirty with a new man. Having had a rather traumatic birth, my nether regions are somewhat destroyed. And I’m not using that term to be coy, but because it is actually the whole of my nether regions. My perineum has had more stitches in it than I can count, my clitoris has been so damaged I struggle to fully climax, and my pelvic floor is so weakened I dare not cough in public. It’s not exactly what a guy looks for in a partner (or not according to the dating profiles I’ve been trawling through).
8. It’s bloody hard to convince yourself this could work out. Most mothers of young children lose themselves slightly, I mean I have very little idea what to chat about beyond my kids. It seems bizarre that some random guy could want to hear about how exhausted I am and how much vomit and wee I contended with last night. The idea that I can somehow find the emotional energy, let alone actual time, to properly date and build a relationship with someone is almost impossible to believe. Maybe one day it could happen, but chances are my children will be older and I will have had to find a way to earn enough to pay the £60 a night babysitter fee to build that relationship. Until then it seems my dating life will fluctuate from non existent to the odd date guy. I wish things were different but c’est la vie, as they say. Every time another date turns into another no, I’m reminded that – even if I wasn’t that into him – although there is another way, that lifestyle remains an elusive club I haven’t yet been invited to, and worse still, I don’t know if I ever will be.
9. Once they do ghost you there’s almost a sense of relief. Whether it’s the lack of availability around your baby schedule, or the lack of confidence making you shy with your post-partum body, or just that they weren’t the right guy for you. Once they disappear there’s a sense of relief. You no longer need to wonder and wait, will he/won’t he; does he/doesn’t he. He doesn’t and he won’t. The chance to make another monumental mistake has been removed. Hope can be restored that you will meet a man where everything is easy and perfect from day one. Of course in reality that’s almost impossible when you have to manage dating alongside raising young children, but sometimes it’s easier to live in a hopeful denial of what could be, rather than a challenging reality of how hard dating with young children really is.
10. Ultimately making it past date number four, makes you feel like there are choices out there. Most women dealing with a post-partum body, sleep deprivation and the challenges of (single) motherhood will feel far from ideal dating material. Even women who are married and secure in their relationships can struggle with feeling attractive or desirable at these points in their life and that’s with a man who has already proclaimed their undying love. Imagine those feelings with a stranger. It’s hard to get past. Yet, within those dating experiences are moments where you feel desirable. Moments where you glimpse something of the interesting human still in you. Despite panicking after every date that I’ve used up all my chat topics, somehow they keep coming. As hard as it is, I am trying to hold onto these moments and remind myself that I am still me. And that is why, with the confidence of a date gone well, I’m heading home on the night bus and installing Bumble. If the guy hasn’t swept me off my feet by now, maybe hes not for me. That doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t though and now I’ve seen a glimpse of what it’s like having someone to care about me, I really want to experience it for good, not just for a few dates.
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If you want to read more about dating as a single mum I’ve written about it here, here and here and not forgetting the all famous one about the kiss, here.