It’s been a year of much writing, but not so much on my blog. Gone are the days of churning out one post a week. Partly because time is scarce, partly because there’s less emotional turmoil to digest and spit out in black and white. It’s a cliche to talk about my journey as a single mum, but five years in I’ve gone through many of the transformative stages – separation, divorce, abuse, donor conception, release – to name but a few. Life is still tough, but it’s more stable than it has been for a long time.
This year has had more than it’s fair share of challenges but they’ve centered around things that, for various reasons, I’ve kept more hidden than some of my other experiences. This year my low points have been dealing with the ongoing after effects of birth trauma, a huge dose of grief and some debilitating anxiety but it’s fair to say that as this year draws to a close the anxiety is less frequent (though sadly not less extreme), and the grief has become easier to deal with (although I feel huge amounts of guilt in even saying that). Sadly the year which seemed to be ending in a good place, has stumbled again in the last few days due to my son’s fathers illhealth.
So what have I been writing about?
First up; new year, new man was the idea, but it didn’t quite go down like that. I did however share my thoughts on online dating with the world. Swiftly followed by one about how it really is to live without love long term. As the year comes to an end I can say I’m not feeling those big crushing feelings about lacking someone to share my life with (well, someone who can legally drink), quite so often. But I have been known to cry for seemingly unknown reasons on the way home through the park. It’s not unknown for me though. It’s all about this.
Then I tried to wow you all with my insight into why single mums are always so stressed…. who agrees with my thoughts on this? My next task is to work out the solution and start selling it.
A rare, but useful post on books featuring solo parents and their children, followed. Something I’ll be coming back to for birthday present ideas as my children grow and so do their questions and understanding about their diverse origins.
Some (almost) humour from me on the reality of having a big baby. I now have a big toddler but I’ve not got round to writing about that. Before a frank post about what not to say to solo mums by choice.
Some raw truths were shared in the next post on recovering from a breakdown. Sometimes I look back at how far I’ve come and I can’t believe quite how long it’s been since I last ugly cried and punched my fists into the floor as my world continually shattered around me. Reading this back now, it’s hard for me not to cry. Many of the phrases bring back memories still so painful and raw, but surprising too. Almost like I’m looking in on the life of another. But not quite. Reading these words though, “They must sit amongst our shattered remains if they are to have anything to do with us once we are risen”, reminds me of why it’s so hard to move on in friendships where support throughout this time was lacking. It’s hard not to feel aggrievement greater than any current letdown, because the past still stings.
Some more home truths on the blog followed. This time about raising two children as a solo mum. Then some tips for pregnant women everywhere which might actually be useful. (Warning, they are realistic and speak of baby loss too).
Some more advice from me (seems I’ve been getting almost cocky with my single parenting knowledge now). This time about dealing with an absent/ sporadic dad (although I assume it works for sporadic mums too, but I don’t have first hand experience of that). You’ll be glad to know it’s not about there being a right way to do anything, just some tips based on research and professional advice that I’ve gathered through the years of experiencing this with my eldest son.
Next up was some light hearted words about the benefits of hosting on Airbnb as a single mum. Sadly I can’t share my Airbnb host link with you to earn some cash for fear my single status might attract the wrong kind of attention.
Then some more reality checks on dating with kids, on the back of an almost, not-quite, relationship I had in the first half of 2019.
The holiday post sadly wasn’t as fun and joyful as I’d hoped it would be. I learned a lot about what does and doesn’t work when holidaying solo as a mum of two small people. Mainly I learnt the holiday concept of it doesn’t work. So what have I gone and done for new year – booked a trip to Egypt of course. Only this time I’m not planning on relaxing. I’m planning on traveling and exploring and adventuring because that’s what I do best, so let’s hope 2020 has some positive stories about that trip.
Finally, a post which I added to and curated for the best part of the year. A post that I wish more than anything I never had the opportunity to write. As horrendous as a year of grief has been, this post only exists because someone so precious and perfect doesn’t. I still cannot think about his absence without a searing pain and I don’t expect I ever will, but writing this post helped me process some of those feelings and to appreciate that a little bit of him will always live on in me, and many others. It’s not any sort of conselation, but it’s there.
The (almost) last one of the year is on another emotional rollercoaster topic: donor siblings as a solo mum of a donor conceived child. The existence of these siblings are an emotional journey in itself, tied up in the emotions connected to raising a child whose ‘other half’ you have never seen. I’ve found the whole experience much harder than I imagined, but I’m hopeful that as he grows and I learn to accept him for who he is and focus on all his wonderful qualities, it won’t matter what he has or hasn’t inherited from this unknown man, all that will matter is that he’s the perfect mix of him. I’m also hopeful that our whole family can benefit from some beautiful connections with some equally gorgeous little babies that happen to share some of his genes. I’ve always wanted a large family, I’ve always wanted greater connections. Perhaps our donor siblings will be a modern way to give us that.
Some more advice as the year came to an end, this time single parent life hacks. What was your favourite one? Followed by the last post on my blog for 2019 being on a topic that’s something close to my heart – acknowledging abuse and the importance of those around us doing so, as well as us realising it when we are in the midst of an abusive relationship.
Outside of this blog I managed to make some pennies from writing this year. Assisting in the editing of this wonderful book which is a must read for those who are thinking, or trying, to have a baby solo (through donor conception or adoption). I also wrote some articles for a single parent holiday company on topics from single parent statistics (this was my favourite to research), money saving tips (trust me, this is actually my secret super power), a single parent dating guide (I know, slightly ironic from the perpetually single, single mum!) meeting other single parents and raising small families. I really enjoyed writing to themes and hope I’ll get the chance to do more again soon.
I’ve also spent much time squirraling away on my book (well a couple of them to be fair) and come up with a few other ideas, which – if I ever get a moment – I might turn into something too. It seems I’m good at starting things and not so great at finishing them so there isn’t much to show for any of these just yet.
If you happen to be an awesome editor who wants a book about a single mum overcoming adversity and talking openly about the challenges of single parenting and mental health struggles, then look no further – you’ve found the perfect author in me.
There are still over 100 draft blog posts in my drafts, so, if next year prooves to be a little calmer, I might manage to get back on it and up my publishing rate to that of days gone past.
And for those of you who don’t already know, 2019 marked my entry onto instagram, come follow if you’re so inclined: @ellamental_mama
Happy 2020 everyone.
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