Trigger warning: traumatic birth and baby bonding.
It’s rare that I write an advice peace, I’m no expert after all. However, there’s a few experiences I’ve gone through which, when I’ve turned to google or others, I’ve found the advice severely lacking, or unhelpful. Experts who haven’t experienced the challenges they write about, often don’t know the answer. I don’t imagine I do either, but hopefully these tips can help you find your own answer.
Please note, I’m no expert. If you feel your bond is really struggling you should reach out for professional support.
—
Mother and baby bonding is considered automatic; an immediate inevitability once the baby disembarks from your body. This baby is of you, how could you not bond? If you listen carefully in the quiet corridors of motherhood though, there, in hushed tones, you will hear the unspoken reality of those who don’t encounter an instant bond. I was one of the 20% of new mothers who experienced this. Listening to people squawking on about how cute your little one is, or hearing other new mothers talk about how precious the first few weeks are, can be heartbreaking if you are in a fog of confusion surrounding your own baby.
There’s lots of reasons why bonding can go haywire. Quite simply put, just because a little person has been placed on your chest does not mean that you will automatically bond with them. Sometimes there are specific factors which can impede on your bonding. Baby’s size – very small or very large – can feel scary or overwhelming. A traumatic birth can leave you in shock, unable to process your experience and fearful for little ones life. Separation at, or shortly after, birth can further exacerbate this. Question marks, or concerns, around the paternity of the baby can suddenly hit you, even if you thought you’d accepted baby’s origins – be that anything from an unknown donor, to an abusive relationship. Sometimes bonding issues have less dramatic origins and boil down to baby being a second, or subsequent baby, leaving you very little time for the lazy cuddles that can be so warming for you both. We all have our own reasons for bonding struggles, and we will all have our own paths to overcoming them. Even if these tips don’t speed up your own bonding process, I hope they can help you to experience some nice moments in amongst the angst and reassure you that you are not alone.
1. Identify the barriers preventing you bond. Understanding why is often the first step to moving past something challenging. A spider diagram can help you determine the different factors involved and pinpoint any connections between them. Writing it down has a two-fold benefit. It helps you process any negative experiences or thoughts, and helps you to highlight any issues which might need further support to overcome. There’s no shame in seeking support, struggling to bond can be a sign of post-partum depression and more than one in ten women suffer from that.
2. Consider whether your birth was traumatic. A birth which is sudden, overwhelming and dangerous can leave the mother with birth trauma. In the most severe cases it can lead to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When we experience trauma we naturally avoid factors which trigger the memories of our experiences. When your baby is the reminder, that can become highly problematic. If you’re overwhelmed and avoiding looking at your baby, it might be that your brain hasn’t yet processed your experiences of birth. Ideally you need to make time to allow this to happen, writing about it can help, or talking about it – especially with a trained professional. There are more tips here on healing from a traumatic birth.
3. Take things slowly. Building a bond is not always instant, no matter what the world tells new mothers. If you have a good day, bask in that feeling for as long as it lasts. Don’t worry if the next day is a disaster, it won’t last forever. Don’t feel like you need to spend the whole day bathed in baby’s glory either. If you can manage five minutes engaging with them, that’s great, if it’s only one then that’s also fine. You can slowly build this up until it’s not something you need to consciously think about.
4. Cut off the outside world. This won’t always help, but consider turning off your phone and ignoring your messages. Everyone loves to send messages of congratulations and questions of when they can visit and it can often feel overwhelming. You’re under no obligation to respond. Make sure you get the space you need for you and your baby instead.
6. (Try to) Look into their eyes. It’s hard not to connect with another human when you look into their eyes. If this is your second child then finding that time may be difficult. But when you get the chance, grab it. If you can manage it, imitate their expressions and sounds. When the smiles come, things will start to get easier. Eventually it won’t just be about you bonding with them, they will have bonded with you and that’s a whole different ball game.
7. Dress them up, or dress them down. Skin to skin is often considered great for bonding, and it can be. But dressing your little one up can also have a bonding affect. A cute little outfit can encourage that love to come out of it’s shell, even if just for a moment. This can especially help if your bonding struggles are connected to baby’s size too.
8. Take a bath together. This takes skin to skin to the next level and can be a lovely bonding experience. Have a big fluffy towel ready for each of you and enjoy snuggling up to them afterwards. If your first image of baby wrapped up in a towel in the hospital was upsetting, this can help to recreate that and give new, positive images for your brain to dwell on instead.
9. Spend time away. You may feel like you’ve been avoiding little one, but chances are that you are in (very) close proximity 24/7. If you are able to get a little break, take it. An hour to yourself to go for a brisk walk (assuming you can), or for baby to be taken out for a spin in their pram, can give you some much needed space. When you come back together, it’s a great time to try out some of the other bonding tips.
10. Spend quality time with your older ones. (Only one for the mums of more than one child of course). Sometimes bonding with a newborn can feel like a betrayal to your older one(s). Spending time alone with them can help address any subconscious feelings of guilt and allow you to give yourself permission to connect with your newest addition.
11. Don’t assume breastfeeding is the same as bonding. This is not a call to breastfeed or not, merely a reality check for those who assume the one leads to the other. It’s quite possible to breastfeed in an entirely detached manner. I should know, I’ve done it. Breastfeeding can help and hinder bonding. In the long run breastfeeding almost always becomes an easier and (generally) pleasant experience, but only you can decide if any initial struggles are worth it. If you’re struggling with breastfeeding and want to continue then reach out to local support groups for help.
12. Try local baby groups. Sometimes the pressures of everyday life mean whilst you’ve spent the whole day at home with the baby, you haven’t actually been with the baby. At some point in your bonding journey you might find that baby groups help. It’s rare that we will sit at home and massage our babies or start singing and shaking rattles with them, especially if bonding is difficult. Getting out of the house and taking part in activities together can help move our relationship forward.
13. Talk to baby. This can be tough. For the first few months I struggled to say more than ‘hello’. I said it often though and slowly his responses became more engaging and I found that helped me to find my voice.
14. Lastly, but by no means least. Don’t beat yourself up about the bond. You will undoubtedly be surrounded by people who don’t understand what you are experiencing. They may mean well, but they may not automatically know how to help you. Many people go on about making the most of the early days when your child is just a babe in arms. You didn’t just give birth to a baby though. You gave birth to a person who will grow and develop into an interactive being. Even if you missed out on those first days, weeks or even months, it isn’t the end of the world. This precious person will be around for a lot longer and you will have time to enjoy them yet. Please remember, you are enough for your child and one day you will see that too.
If you feel that your bonding is not improving please reach out for professional support. There are many reasons why we struggle to bond with our own children, the earlier we address these factors the better for both of us. Seeking help is not about admitting failure, it’s about preventing it.
If you enjoyed reading this you can keep up to date with my latest posts by following me on facebook or twitter or subscribing online at Ellamental Mama.
If you liked this article you might also like my piece on bonding with my baby – a story told backwards.