I (finally) got my positive ovulation test yesterday morning. I’d been expecting it today or tomorrow but it still came as a surprise. Or perhaps it was just the nerves disguised as surprise. I had to wait over two hours before the clinic was open to call them though. I felt pretty tense. I tried about ten times before the lines actually opened, so keen was I to be the first one in the ‘queue’. My mum was staying over but she didn’t know what I was doing. To drown out my words I put some generic music on, on you tube. Suddenly the chorus of Ed Sheeran’s song, “be my baby” took on a whole different meaning. Thankfully I had an external meeting that morning which didn’t start till 10am meaning I needed to leave my place just after 9am. That gave them approximately 37 minutes to answer the phone. Would I make it?
I don’t think I realised it was possible to go through every single emotion in 58 seconds but I can assure you whilst I clutched that phone as the receptionist told me to wait while she brought up my records, I did. My nerves went through the roof, then I glimpsed my reflection in the mirror and I couldn’t help but smile to myself, I’m the only other one who knows what I’m doing at this exact moment in time and I’m bloody excited, a split second later and I was crying. I was told the nurse would call me back within 24 hours to arrange my treatment appointment. More waiting – as least I had work to keep me busy.
After I replaced the handset all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of disappointment. Disappointment that this is how my life has turned out. That doesn’t mean I don’t want the child, I want him/her more than anything. It just means that I’m sad that I don’t get to experience this with a partner. I can’t help but feel sad that my children (most likely) won’t know a father figure. It suddenly all felt so very sad. I needed these last few moments – to transition from the idea of being a single mum via divorce to being a solo mum by choice. I needed a few moments to allow myself time to grieve for the loss of what could have been just one more time before I did this shit. Then there would be no regrets and no turning back. One day this child would join the wall of fame of most wanted children in Britain and that was no thing to be sad about.
Everything felt good as I cycled to town, the sun was shining, the flowers were out. I had nearly reached my meeting. The light turned green so I sailed through the junction. Slam. I skidded sideways as I screeched my brakes to a halt. Some idiot had decided they would turn right directly in front of my path. He had no right to be there. He slammed his brakes on too and we narrowly avoided a crash. I proceeded to scream expletives at the top of my voice. He snuck away slowly without a word. I’d had my brakes serviced the day before. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t then it would have been a different story. Now the adrenalin was really pumping.
Luckily I had a work meeting to keep my mind distracted. When I came out I had received an email. My appointment had been booked for the following day at lunchtime. After all the emotions of the morning I was quite calm, excited, but calm. I don’t think I could have coped with more ups and downs that day.
As the day came to an end I felt like I should be doing something to prepare for this monumental event tomorrow – resting, or eating special food, or doing something. In reality, you don’t normally prepare to have sex and get pregnant. Surely I just needed to chill and relax. Easier said than done.
If you are interested in this story of contemplating becoming a single mum by choice then you can follow my blog on facebook. Just go to my page here and give me a like to stay up to date with my latest blogs. And follow me on twitter @EllamentalMama I’ll be writing more about this in the coming months
This is part of my single mum by choice series. You can read all about it here: