Single Parent Support

single parent adviceLike most, I found becomming a single parent isolating and challenging. The best advice I received was to find a single-mum-best-friend locally. But how? I was going through a divorce – my most important connection had failed – the idea of making new ones felt impossible. I wish I’d known how to connect with the single parenting community and what an amazing support they are. Many of us are in the middle of some serious crap when we become single parents – divorce, abuse, infidelity, death. Others arrive here through choice. But either way challenges can and do arise. At such moments, we need our fellow people.

This guide aims to help those who have recently become a single mum. Please share it with single parents you know –  it might just be a life saver. These links are mainly UK based, if you have suggestions for others in your country, please do share them in the comments below. The more we can support our fellow single parents the better.

Living in Lockdown

We’re currently living in unprecedented times with the global coronavirus pandemic. This is creating unseen levels of pressure on single parents to be everything for their children 24/7, whilst also facing one of mankinds greatest challenges: isolation – both physcial and emotional. This puts additional pressures on one of the most intense relationships out there: single parent and child(ren). Currently, around 2 million single parents are in lockdown in the UK so how are we surviving?

First up, remember that the fact you’ve survived to this point shows your incredibly strong and resilient. These are just some of the reasons why single parents might actually find they are well placed to deal with this pandemic. But these experiences can also mean we were depleated before the virus took hold. Here are my three top tips on how to deal with lockdown as a single parent:

Try and build in rhythm to your day – some say routine, but that can be too much at times like this. Instead, try and find the natural rhythms which you all follow. When do you reach your limit? When are the kids best able to entertain themselves? Find times when you can spend focused time with the kids, but also – crucially – find time when they’re occupied and you can have a break for some exercise, hobby, phoning a friend, or whatever it is that keeps YOU sane. If they’re young this won’t be significant lengths of time, but even a few minutes will help.

Keep your expectations realistic, then revise them down seven more notches. Kids will regress in this time – it would be wierd if they don’t. You will regress in this time – or is that just me? Either way, kids’ attention spans are likely half of what you expect and their interest in being taught long division by their mum might just make it go to minus figures. Worst case scenario (it currently seems) is school won’t be on till September. If your kid has no ‘education’ in that time, they will be fine. I repeat – they will be FINE. Teachers will be working with children from incredibly diverse backgrounds to bring everyone back up to speed again in the new academic year, this gap will not be the making or breaking of their chances in life. Whatsmore, your child will learn things during this time, but instead of their times table it might be how to contribute to the smooth running of a home (aka clean that shit up now!), how to operate every electrical device you own with a screen, and how to negotiate family arguments more skillfully. Trust me, these are all worthy skills. Be realistic of what you can achieve in this time and scrap ideas of the home renovation plans. I’m finding this time is actually invaluable to learn about my kids and what makes them tick. If I can manage to understand them better, I will have achieved a huge amount.

Connect, connect, connect. It’s really hard, when your body aches from exhaustion, to find the energy to phone a friend, but if you can, try. There are also different single parent zoom meetings or online groups if one to one connections feel too intense at the moment. Connections with those who care are what will keep us going at this time. If you feel like you don’t have someone to listen to you, consider setting up a peer support listening partnership with another parent which will give you time to be heard in a non-judgemental manner. For more information, see the hand in hand parenting website.

And whatever, you do, remember we are in the middle of a global pandemic. The most important thing is to keep you and your little ones safe and however many hours of TV that requires is – OBVIOUSLY – fine.

Online Communities 

Single parent support online can be a really lifesaver. Online communities are available anytime, from the comfort of your own home – perfect for those with young children and few childcare options. If, like me, you’ve never really engaged in Facebook groups, don’t be put off. A simple search for ‘single parents’, on Facebook comes up with lots of closed groups that provide single parent support. The benefit of these is that only other members can see your posts so there’s a level of privacy from your Facebook friends. The largest active one in the UK is Single Parents Support (they also have offshoot groups for specific issues such as mental health/ raising children with additional needs). Divorced Moms is an online community which pretty much does what it says on the tin. It has an American focus but lots of the topics have global relevance. Keep looking till you find a single parent support group online that you click with.

Face to Face Groups

When I first engaged with single parent support groups I was gobsmacked that there were people who just got it – got me! Gingerbread, the biggest single parent support charity in England and Wales, has a network of volunteer-led local groups. These are a great way to meet people in similar situations and if there isn’t one near you, they will help you set one up. Joining a group has changed my weekends from being lonely and depressing to having options of what to do. Some of the single parent support Facebook groups also arrange meet-ups too, like Single Parents Support. Widowed and Young are the only UK based organisation to support people under 50 who have lost their partner – they arrange social events and provide practical support; a great single parent support if you’re widowed.

Practical Advice (debt, housing etc)  

Gingerbread provides single parent support and advice, they have a helpline and an online hub for advice and information on separation and single parent support in general. This factsheet is useful if you need legal advice. Citizens Advice are a great starting place for support with benefits, work rights, legal rights etc etc. Housing support is generally only available through Shelter or your local councilSingle Parents Support and Advice Services also has a website that provides information for single parents. One Parent Families is a great resource for those based in Scotland. One Family has a helpline and advice for people in Ireland. Only Mums and Only Dads both provide advice on issues such as debt, relationships and legal matters. Many of the single parent facebook groups also have very knowledgeable admins and members who can be of great assistance, although do check with a professional before relying on the information as things do change. The University Mum has written a great post for young single mums who are looking to study at university. If you’re struggling on a practical level then Homestart volunteers can provide single parent support in your home.

Pregnant and Single
Maybe you planned solo parenting from the start – if so congratulations. Maybe finding yourself single and pregnant fills you with dread – fear not. There are lots of avenues for accessing single parent support, whatever your situation. If you’re worried about not having a birthing partner, then Doula’s UK can help you find a doula near you. Doulas provide non-judgemental support for mothers through pregnancy, childbirth and the early days of motherhood. If you don’t have the money to pay for a doula then there is an access fund which helps people on low incomes, and doulas who are still in training are significantly cheaper (you can search for people training in your local area on their website). I used a trainee douala for my second birth and it cost around £150, she was worth many times this. Tamba is a great place to go for single parent support if you’re expecting twins. 
If you are on a low income then your midwife should be able to refer you to Home-Start for support. There are also often local charities who provide buddies or volunteers who can support you through your pregnancy. I haven’t come across a national organisation that does this – Bump Buddies is London based and they may be able to link you up with local organisations. Otherwise Google or your midwife/ GP should be able to assist. In some areas (globally) the baby box university will provide you with a free baby box (a safe place for your baby to sleep) once you have watched their baby health and safety videos. Once you’re at the (thinking about) returning to work stage it can feel mighty daunting how you’re going to balance it all. This post has a lot of useful links of the support and resources available. 

Child Maintenance 

Child maintenance is one of the biggest issues facing single parents in the UK. Over £4 billion child maintenance is owed in the UK. This calculator can help you work out payments. Although the system is far from perfect, if you aren’t able to make direct agreements with your child’s non-resident parent, Child Maintenance Options can assist. If the non-resident parent is outside the UK you can claim through REMO. There are also a number of Facebook groups which provide advice on support on navigating the CMS – Child Maintenance Service – Right the Wrongs has a large and growing base and tries to maintain a neutral stance which doesn’t bias against either resident or non-resident parents.

Domestic Abuse 

If you have, or are, experiencing domestic abuse then Women’s Aid, or your local domestic abuse service, can assist. The Freedom Programme is recommended by many survivors of domestic abuse as a way to break the cycle of abuse. If you are in doubt of who to approach or how, speak with your GP. 

Losing a Partner 

Losing a partner and becoming a single parent can be an incredibly challenging time. If you are in this situation then Widowed and Young are a very supportive organisation that organise social events and run a peer-support network.

Solo Parenting By Choice 

Parenting solo is often a positive choice for many, often through adoption or donor conception. Specific groups support parents and would be parents on this journey and they can be invaluable for both the practicalities such as explaining your child’s background to them, to just finding other parents in similar positions. The Donor Conception Network runs specific workshops and holds an annual conference, as well as having local groups around the UK. 

Single Parent Blogs 

Blogs can be a great way to share single parent experiences and their social media channels often provide a supportive non-judgemental community. I’ve highlighted a few single parent blogs below and given you an idea of the main areas they cover – I hope I have done them justice.
  • Daydreams of a Mum gives a very real insight into the long-term impact of domestic abuse
  • Single Mum Speaks is a quirky blog about the escapades of a single mum by choice and her young son
  • Mama unexpected talks candidly about the challenges of being a single mum to a child with special needs
  • Not Exactly What It Says On The Ring talks about life as a single mum following an extramarital affair
  • More Than Toast writes about dating as a single mum (amongst other things!)
  • Inside Martyn’s Thoughts gives a single dad perspective on single parenting
  • Dilan and Me is written by a single mum who’s following gentle parenting methods with her toddler
  • Single Daddy Daycare writes about his experiences and gives advice on co-parenting
  • Ellamental Mama gives a no holds barred account of divorce, lone parenting and mental health whilst trying to raise a feminist son (it had to feature somewhere – right!)

There are loads more single parent blogs out there – I hope you find one that gives you your own corner of the web to commiserate and celebrate life as a single parent.

Arts and Culture 

“Arts and culture”, I hear you cry, “but I’m a single parent, I don’t have time for such luxuries!” But single parent support isn’t – and shouldn’t – just be about making do and getting by. When we see ourselves in other people’s words it helps us understand ourselves – it’s really not a luxury. With that in mind, if you are ever lucky enough to see Muvvahood, you won’t be disappointed. It’s a one woman show that profiles six single mum stories. I was feeling emotional the day I saw it and it had me in tears; it tells the real stories of single parents so rarely heard. This is a list of critically acclaimed films featuring single parents. If you’re just looking for some feelgood viewing, Gilmore Girls on Netflix is always good, although it does brush over the harder parts of single parenting. If you have BBC then The Durrells is basially about my single mum icon, upping sticks and taking her four kids to Corfu before the time shares took over. 

If you’re looking for books for your child which can help you talk about single parenting and broach some of the challenging topics that often go with lone parenthood, then I’ve put together a list of books for children from babies right through to young adults – featuring single mums and single dads. This is also a great list. This is another a good list of books for 0-10 year olds on divorce/separation and single parenting. And one more list of books for modern families which includes topics such as divorce.

Single Parent Holidays 

Now to the best bit – holidays! For some single parents, holidaying alone with children can be too daunting to even contemplate. I am a firm believer in the power of travel, so if there’s a way to make that easier for single parents I’m all for it. The first time I went away with other single parents was a camping holiday. It was a revelation to be surrounded by people in similar situations. Suddenly I didn’t feel ostracised; these strangers understood me better than my own family. Who knew you could blend holidaying with single parent support – but you can!
Below are a few holidaying sites I’ve come across (I should point out, I’m in no way being compensated for including any of these groups and I’ve not been away with most of them so please do YOUR own research before booking a holiday with any of them). I know money can be tight but there are a lot of options out there which cater for varied budgets, both in the UK and overseas.
  • This women’s cooperative run holiday home in Yorkshire is open for women and children only and has a staggered fee rate making it more affordable than most options. Their place is fully equipped making it a relatively simple getaway (and surrounded by stunning scenery).
  • Single With Kids
  • Single Parents on Holiday
  • Campmates – specialise in camping holidays where the gear is all set up
  • Mango Holidays (not an exclusively single parent holiday company but they have some holidays for single parents)

There’s also the option of going it alone. I’ve done it a fair bit with my little one and although it’s challenging, it’s also pretty amazing. This post links to lots of solo parent travel stories if you’re looking for some inspiration. There is also a Single Parent Travel Club on Facebook where you can join forces and arrange to travel together – sounds like a perfect solution to me and of course this is also where your local single parent group comes in handy. I’ve travelled across the UK and further afield with other single mums I’ve met and we’ve been able to share family rooms/ apartments to keep the costs low.

“I Can’t Cope” 

Many of us go through difficult times. I always think it’s not about what challenges you experience, but who you have to support you through them that really counts. Being a single parent, especially in the early days, can often be isolating. If you’re reading this and thinking, but I just can’t cope, please seek help. It took me over two years of struggling (to put it mildly) before I went to my doctor. I had been trying to do everything on my own, including ‘getting better’. I had a plan and I was putting it into action – counselling, new job, the works. It wasn’t enough though. Sometimes when your life is crumbling around you it’s hard to breathe let alone stop and take stock to work out what to do. If you’re really struggling your doctor can help you get time off work if you need it, they can refer you for talking therapies and other support services, and (if appropriate) provide medical support. As single parents we often feel we have to keep struggling on, but we really don’t. Single parent support is out there. 
If you are finding your child(ren)’s behaviour challenging, then health visitors, family support workers, GPs, children’s centres etc can all provide you with guidance on parenting support and classes in your area. If you’re unable to access this support then the Solihull Approach comes highly recommended from child psychology services. This is a research-based approach to building positive child-parent relationships and supporting emotional health and well-being for children. Their website includes details of classes and groups run across the UK, free downloadable materials and online courses (which are paid).

If you’re a single parent I wish you all the luck in the world. It’s an unbelievably hard, but amazing, job. Single parenting has benefits for us as well as our children, so ignore the scapegoating rubbish we so often hear and remember you’re great!

What’s your best tip for single parent support? Do you have a favourite blog/support group? Share them here or on my Facebook and I’ll try to incorporate them.

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7 comments on “Single Parent Support

  1. What an amazingly brilliant post!!! I just love this. SO much advice packed into a well written and powerful post. Blogging is amazing – just this of all of the people that this will help! Thank you so much for sharing this amazing post with us at #EatSleepBlogRT ❤️

    • Thanks 🙂 Glad you liked it, really hope it does help others, and you’re soooo right. Blogging is fab – and can be a total life saver!

  2. Single Parenting is very complicated as the relationship is mostly emotional by nature. There are many more needs to be meted in physical and emotional level between the parent and the child. https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.cerebrahm.babyberry&hl=en&utm_source=blog

    • Oh absolutely. Hopefully through finding a supportive single parenting community we can support each other with all those emotional challenges.

  3. What a great, supportive post! While I’m not a single parent, I do appreciate all the time and effort you put into creating this network of resources for those who need it. Good for you for asking for help when you needed it. Life isn’t easy. I wish you the best!
    #EatSleepBlogRT

    • Hopefully it’s a useful resource, lots of single parents – including me – wish there’d been something like this when we became single parents. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  4. Thanks so much for including my post on solo parent travel! 🙂

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