My Message To The Mum of That Toddler

I was flicking through my notebook today and came across a half written post I’d done awhile back about parenting the shitty kid. Before I go any further with this story I should just point out that my son is NOT, never was (and hopefully never will be), a shitty kid (let’s be honest NO kid is actually a shitty kid). My son, just like your little one(s), is amazing: he’s loving, caring and kind; confident and cuddly; funny and adventurous. He is also what you could call bouncy. In his heyday – around 15 months to 24 months – he most closely resembled a hurricane; he would bound up to little ones and hug them till they fell over, he would run around knocking over everything in his wake and god help the kids with a nice full head of hair, whenever he saw one he would give it a good grab. With gusto. If I ever did venture out, I would spend most of the time chasing him as he sped off in the wrong direction. Yes, I’d become the mum of that toddler.

The issue wasn’t that I didn’t realise it was a phase my son was experiencing. We all know that. We all know they won’t do these things as teenages, or adults. Not least because I knew I was teaching him not to do these things and I knew that it would (eventually) get through to him. Right enough I didn’t know if it would take five weeks, five months or five years, but I wasn’t actually worried that he wouldn’t settle down.

No, it wasn’t my son who was making me feel crappy, neither was it his behaviour per se (although I can’t lie that it wasn’t bloody exhausting). When I was in the midst of this phase, life was pretty hard and what I found, the hardest to deal with, by far, were the looks and comments from others – parents, carers, passers-by, you name it. They made me feel like they thought I was failing as a parent. I’m not sure I actually felt like I was failing, but somehow thinking others thought I was failing was even worse. I don’t have someone who reassures me I’m doing a good job and when you don’t have someone who has your back (whether that’s because you’re single or lack an understanding partner) it can feel like everyone is against you. What’s more I hated, hated, the idea that people thought my kid was bad. He wasn’t bad, he was a normal bouncy toddler. Sure, there are also normal non-bouncy (aka calm) toddlers and all power to them too. For those parents with a bouncy kid though, you will appreciate the specific parenting challenges they can bring.

At the end of one toddler class, the leader recalled a story of a very bouncy kid and how hard it was for the mum. She pointed the story directly at me. I figured she was trying to make me feel better, highlight that it’s normal, and her plan kind of worked. Well, that was until another mum pointed out that it was so rude that she had insinuated my kid was a nightmare – then I realised what the other mums really thought. Another time, the nursery phoned to tell me that Sally’s mum was upset that my son had pulled Sally’s hair*. You know what Sally’s mum, I can pretty much guess Sally doesn’t enjoy having her hair yanked and I was pretty distraught about it too. I’m not sure how a call home to inform me helps though. I’m pretty sure I cried about it more than Sally did. It got to the extent that I felt relieved when another child hurt my son. Not because I want him to hurt – I don’t, not for one second. But at least it meant that in that moment I was not the mum running after him apologising for the waves of chaos rippling out from him, I was not the mum feeling bad and I was not the one being given *that* look.

Eventually, after one time too many trying, and failing, to get him to sit quietly at a story-time group, and retrieving him – again – from the top of a six-foot high stack of chairs, as I felt the eyes boring into the back of my head, I swore off all toddler groups. Those things are (mainly) for the parents and all I seemed to do was run around like a headless chicken and fight back the tears. There really was no point.

And you know what, now, six months later I can honestly say those looks are pretty rare, and so are those feelings. I’m not going to claim my son is some constantly well-behaved, meek and milk, uber gentle child. He can be incredibly gentle – like when he is softly stroking the cheeks of babies, or when he gives his friends flowers or asks for cuddles with mummy. He can also still be very bouncy. He jumps off (and on) most things without a second glance and like all good toddlers, he can hold his own when it comes to battling his friend for a shot on the bike (or whatever the toy of interest is that day). But he is slowly calming to a gentle gallop, as opposed to the over-revved racing car he had been.

So if your kid is bouncing off the walls as we speak, running down the street naked at bath time, or pole vaulting the gate at the park and making the fiftieth escape attempt of the morning, bear with it. I could tell you it’s just a phase and it will end (because it will), but that’s not always very helpful to hear. My message to you is to stay strong because your parenting is GREAT. Your parenting, whatever way you’re choosing to do it, will win out in the end. Those looks and comments may make you feel like you’re failing, but you are not. Your kid is not ‘that’ kid. And so long as we believe they are not that kid, so long as people stop labelling them as ‘that’ kid, you know what, they will never be that kid. They will always be your beautiful child with all the wonderful traits you see in them day in, day out. And eventually others will see that too.

And to those of you who like to glare, please bear with us mums of the bouncy kids. Please remember we might be having not just a shit day, but a shit month or two (hell, for some of us it lasts years). You might not think that we are handling it right, or that you would handle things differently. Sometimes you may be right, we may not be doing our ‘best’ in that short window that you see us, but you know what, on the whole we probably are. Whatever you may think about our approach, rest assured that we are trying. Every.single.day, we are trying. Know that we want the same as you – a kind, caring child. And if that doesn’t help you put away your glares, you could always just remember that tomorrow it could be your kid causing the mayhem!

*Not really her name.

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