Trying Again: Donor Conception

So it didn’t work. It was a long shot after all. Wanting to be one of the lucky few. Oh, what I would give to have been one of those. I really believed it was going to happen. That positive outlook and hope that is supposed to help us, proving to be my own worst enemy again.

The negative test triggered a downward spiral. At least the hope was gone I thought, but the depression settled in instead. I decided I’d give this cycle a miss. I am going to be away around ovulation anyway, and I don’t think I could handle it all again so soon.

Last time at every stage in the process I wrote. I wrote because it allowed me to get my thoughts in order. I wrote to try and work through the array of emotions. I wrote in an attempt to be of some use to other people going through similar things.

But it didn’t help. The emotions were rawer than ever. The ups higher, the lows lower. I can’t do that again. So this time there is no long series of blog posts to accompany my pregnancy attempt. This time it is just the bare minimum, the facts that I will share. In the hope that I will feel only those facts, and not every.single.twinge and emotion I go through in this journey to change my life.

So instead, this is how it will be:

I will buy the sperm.

I will book the appointment.

I will get the positive ovulation test.

I will go in for the procedure.

And I will wait and wait and wait.

Until I can take the test.

This time there will be no googling of early pregnancy symptoms. This time there will be no squeezing my boobs every second to see if they are becoming more sensitive. This time there will be no hoping. Just getting through. I’m good at getting through. I’m not so good at dealing with hope.


2 comments on “Trying Again: Donor Conception

  1. Good luck and don’t completely give up on hope. Your blog posts have been so helpful. I’m a little behind you – sperm shopping is harder than people realise but I’m sure my emotional journey will be a similar one to yours. Keep going and wishing you all the best x

    • Thank you, that’s very nice to hear. I’m glad the posts are helpful. And I’m totally with you on the sperm shopping is hard. I found it overwhelming at first. I actually think that it’s a big part of accepting this path though, I found that a lot of the challenges I felt with making this choice linked to the sperm donor and so whilst at the start I struggled a lot by the time I picked someone it felt a lot easier and I think it was also just that the decision itself had become so much more certain. I hope that’s the same for you. Lots of luck x

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